Hi everyone. I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been working through an issue that I hoped to share with you, but the process is taking longer than I expected. I believe it is important to work through the process completely, so in the meantime I wanted to share this song which has had a great impact on me. May it encourage all of us to fight against the darkness.

The Change by Garth Brooks

One hand

Reaches out

And pulls a lost soul from harm

While a thousand more go unspoken for

They say what good have you done

By saving just this one

It's like whispering a prayer

In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things

And no matter what you do it's still the same thing

But it's not the world that I am changing

I do this so this world will know

That it will not change me

This heart

Still believes

The love and mercy still exist

While all the hatred rage and so many say

That love is all but pointless in madness such as this

It's like trying to stop a fire

With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things

And no matter what you do it's still the same thing

But it's not the world that I am changing

I do this so this world will know

That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on

Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you'll never change things

And no matter what you do it's still the same thing

But it's not the world that I am changing

I do this so this world we know

Never changes me

What I do is so

This world will know

That it will not change me

If you would like to hear this song you can listen to it at The Change. I hope to post more soon.

Difficult times

When I started this blog I said that I would be sharing my journey to recovery with you. Today's post is fairly personal, but I hope it will help other survivors see that I'm right there in the trenches, too. For those readers who are not survivors themselves, I hope today's post will give you some insight into the reasons we may seem sad during the holidays, or may seem in pain over "old" issues.
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Spring is here. For me Spring is always a difficult time of year. Some of my worst experiences happened during the Spring season so I tend to struggle with sadness and memories more during this time. So I decided to take some time and call my brother, Keith, the only one who speaks to me. Of all my relatives, I miss Keith the most. Keith was born mentally retarded and physically handicapped, so even though he is four years older than I am, we shared a room when he lived at home and it was my job to take care of him. We were always very close.

So I call Keith, and as usual I speak with his foster mother first. She always catches me up with the facts of how Keith is doing beyond football games and fishing trips. You see, Keith hasn't lived with our mother in thirty-two years; not since the day he was taken by ambulance to the hospital after a beating so severe he required surgery to restore his vision. Up until this week I thought I knew all the damage that beating had caused, but no, like so many of us (abuse survivors) the damage continues well into adulthood. For my brother that means our mother's beating killed all the roots of his teeth, but it is only now thirty-two years later that the final damage is being seen, as his teeth become infected and fall out. The dentist says they will ALL have to be pulled to avoid further infection.

And, was our mother punished for this....no, of course not! I remember the police taking my statement and telling me my mother was going to jail and neither of us would EVER have to live with her again. I was so relieved! But of course, somehow my grandfather got the charges dropped. A year and a half later I was back living with her again, but at least she lost custody permanently for Keith. Of course to this day she claims she only spanked him! But Keith and I know the truth. I came home during that beating and took the rest of her anger. I sat by his bedside for three days trying to care for him until someone called the police. I know the truth!

I am thankful Keith is retarded. Yes, you read that right. Because of his handicaps Keith doesn't often struggle with the memory of that beating. His foster mother says that once every couple of years he gets a little sad and asks why our mother beat him. He doesn't correlate his tooth problems with the abuse, and he takes the problems as a minor inconvenience. For me (the normal one?), I get angry. I want justice for Keith, and for myself. Since this conversation I have had flashbacks and nightmares. I don't want to remember that beating and Keith crying. I don't want to remember sitting next to him, putting cool washcloths on his face, watching his eyes swell shut and his face turn color. Sometimes, I wonder which of us is more blessed.

So, if you think about, please pray/say tehillim for my brother, Keith Andrew Ben Shayna Etta. (I don't know his Hebrew name). And, if I look tired, you'll know why.

You CAN Change the World

Hi everyone. I've been thinking about today's topic for a few days. Over the weekend I participated in a discussion about whether or not an individual can really change the world. When I insisted that each of us does indeed have the power to effect real change, I was challenged to show how I, myself, had changed the world. I startled my questioner by offering a list. A list I decided I would share with you as well.

How I Have Changed the World:

1. I have beaten the odds by aging out of foster care and going on to graduate college rather than becoming a criminal or drug/alcohol addict.
2. I have encouraged and counseled other survivors.
3. I have spoken out on behalf of children and women whenever possible.
4. I have spoken to those I care about when I see the potential for abuse in their lives.
5. Most importantly, I have broken the cycle of abuse, giving my children a healthy life. Who knows how many lives they will go on to positively affect.

I have not shared this list to show how wonderful I am. Trust me, I am all too aware of my failings. I have shared this list because we often forget how even little things can make a huge difference. Think about it. Have you ever encouraged someone who is struggling? Perhaps that act of caring was enough to remind them that they matter, and prevent them from taking their own life. Have you been concerned that a friend is being abused by her boyfriend and spoken to her about your concerns? Are you an Adult Survivor struggling to make sure your children grow up in a healthy home? All of these things are ways YOU have changed the world.

Lastly, if you are currently a victim, or suspect you know someone is being abused, you have the opportunity to change the world right now. Please seek help today, whether for you, your children, or anyone else you know. We never know just how we can change the world around us, but we do know that it is possible!

Breaking the Silence

Since I wrote my first post yesterday I have heard from a number of people who are "impressed" that I could be so public about my abuse. They have said that they "could never be so brave". This just shows how well ingrained the idea of shame is in our minds. It also shows how our culture encourages silence with the "what will people think" idea. I want to address these thoughts in today's post.

I want to thank those people who contacted me. I do not feel brave, but perhaps I am and don't realize it. I just want people to see me for who I am and to understand me. Perhaps this is my way of testing people, by saying, "Here I am. Do you accept me?"

Unfortunately, too often I am met with comments about how I shouldn't tell people about my past. I don't understand why people think I should hide in dark corners and never reveal what has happened to me. Why should I be punished for being a victim of child abuse? Abuse has been a part of my life experience. It helped create who I am, a loving, caring and passionate woman. I have the right to be as open about my life as the person who had a wonderful childhood. We both have learned many things from our experiences, many valuable lessons.

Welcome

Welcome to Banishing the Shame. As an adult survivor of physical, sexual and emotional abuse I wanted a place to share my journey with others, survivors or not. Recovering from abuse is a life time "project". Many times I need to be reminded of important truths over and over again. By writing things down and sharing them with others, I also remind myself.

From the beginning I want to address a common issue. I am not ashamed to say I am a survivor. Yes, I struggle with feeling shame about the things that were done to me. That is part of the poison abusers leave us with, a feeling of being ruined. But the truth is:

I DID NOTHING WRONG!

I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED!

And, neither did any other survivor. The only person who should feel shame is the abuser.

Let's put this in perspective. If you took your son to the park and an older child beat him up, who would you blame? Should your son feel shame because he was beaten up? No, of course not. You would love and comfort him, and help him to see that it was the older child who has a problem. You wouldn't try to silence your son. You would discuss it as often as necessary to help him through it.

This is exactly what child abuse victims and survivors need. If you are a current victim please call someone NOW and get help! If you are a survivor, please repeat the words above everyday. You have value! You are important! And, you did NOT deserve to be abused!